It's not about you

The other night I was thinking about what it would be like for someone I didn't know to walk into my room.  First of all, they would have probably be embarrassed for me because it was so messy (don't worry I cleaned it the next day...it's still a little messy but not embarrassing messy).  Then, I thought, they would try to stop looking at the mess, so where would they look?  My lovely pictures on the wall!  And here is what they would see:

My family at my sister's wedding (the last time we were all together?)

Sunlight Falls,Wyoming, taken by my brother Casey

Palmyra, NY, painted by my aunt Katie

Alaska Temple, birthday gift from my friend Tonya

Valdez, also painted by Katie


And then they would see this one.  It was a gift from a mentor of mine.  It's a little dusty, and stuck in a frame I got from DI which lacks the capacity to hang on a wall.  The $1 price sticker is still on the back.  It sits awkwardly on my crowded window sill, I have to move it every time I open the blinds.  Very inconvenient.  "And the picture is inconvenient," I thought.  

I hope it's ok to use this on a blog...I'm not sure who it was painted by and I can't figure it out, so sorry to whoever deserves the credit!


A few days ago a friend jokingly asked me for a foot rub and I thought to myself, "yeah...I don't do that.  I don't expect anyone to touch my feet, and I don't like being expected to touch someone else's."  
It's my right...right?
How inconvenient of them to ask...
I'm sure I said something infinitely more tactful, at least I hope I did.

This flood of thoughts led me to a memory of a time when I was living the message of this painting.  When what was comfortable and convenient for me was the last thing on my mind.  I didn't think twice about stopping to help someone, I didn't mind getting shouldered with more than my fair share of work, I didn't hesitate to go out of my way to be kind or thoughtful to someone else.  Happiness was not my goal but it was poured into me, almost more than I could receive.

So this obviously begs the question, "Why aren't you living like that now?"

Good question.  So I decided to do it.  I named it, "It's not about you" week!  I decided to let go of motives that are directly beneficial to me and see who I become.  

Here is a rendition of the following shoulder angel conversation:

Bad Angel: Are you sure you want to do this?  It could be harder than you think...it could be too hard for you right now.

Good Angel: Come on, it's only for a week.  If it ruins my life, I'll just stop.  Just one week, ok?

BA: What if not thinking of yourself requires you to spend more money than you want to?  You are saving for tuition, remember?

GA: Seriously?  You are scared to be selfless because of money?  What are you turning into?  It's a chance I'm willing to take...and if it does cost money, what is more valuable to you than your character?

BA: Ok...but what if it requires you to be so vulnerable with other people that you get hurt?  Can't we draw the line there?

GA: The root of that fear is pride, and I'm not letting pride drive this train.  Sorry.  I'm doing it.  Just for a week.  If you don't like it after a week, we can stop, but I have a feeling you will like it.

And so it was born, the "It's not about you" week (hopefully this turns into lifetime).

I will give more details in separate posts but so far I can say that it doesn't feel inconvenient, though last week I might have considered some things I have done inconvenient.  It's a little more expensive.  Sometimes I feel a little hurt or foolish, but...it's not about me.  I also feel protected and loved.  I feel happy.



Comments

Bill said…
It'is not all about you is a great way to live!
GA you will be happier when the week is over!
Let me know how it turns out!

Dad
10:56 PM
renaezy said…
I feel like you're not about yourself ever already Sarah! I sure look up to you.
7:31 AM
renaezy said…
I feel like you're not about yourself ever already Sarah! I sure look up to you.
7:32 AM
Annie Marie said…
You lived it already for 1.5 years, around strangers, it might be harder around friends but I bet it will be worth it.
7:31 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Taking Back Alaska

Image
Bear watching/clam digging in Alaska I came to Salt Lake at the tail end of the worst 6 months of my life.  After a huge disappointment in the love department I managed to still attend enough classes and beg for enough extra time to finish enough final papers to graduate with my masters degree.  For months after I felt the pressure and feelings of failure of not being able to find a job. I separated my shoulder and so I was not able to run or hike or bike or play frisbee or even swim...basically everything that keeps me happy, healthy, and connected.  I tried to deal with it...and by that I mean I watched every episode of Parks and Recreation.  I spent hours applying for jobs and more hours sitting in parks reading, hoping no one could tell how pathetic I felt. I did the mind-numbing walk/run up and down 'the Y' over and over because it was the only thing I could do with my injury that was challenging but safe.  I was offered a job in St. George.  I asked for a day to think
Read more

My truth about "pretty"

Image
Is this a pretty picture of me?  Should I put it on facebook?  Someone might see it and then know that sometimes I'm not as pretty as I am in other pictures.  I know I'm just not as objectively attractive as some no matter how flattering the picture.  But does this one qualify as 'pretty' to someone who has never seen me before?   Do I trust someone who doesn't know me to see that I am brave because this picture is hiding none of my flaws?  The wrinkles around my eyes, the dark shadows under them, my wider nose, my puffy cheeks that hide my cheekbones. That's the honest way I look.   Why is this hard?  I think who I am is beautiful and what I look like cannot be separated from who I am.  I was hiking, I was in the mountains, I was awe-struck by the beauty around me, I was totally happy.  It makes me sorrowful to reflect on how much I worry about if I look pretty. Every girls wants to be told they are pretty, right? No.  I thought yes, until I
Read more

my broken heart

Image
Tonight is among the first chilly nights of Fall.  I decide to wear the almost-too-warm but irresistibly soft zebra stripe pajamas my mom just sent me with my purple jacket as I lay under the stars on my lawn.  Just thinking.  Wondering.  I give myself a few hours to try to feel better...and then it is 11.  I go inside and lay on my bed.  I don't know what has been wrong with me lately.  I ask Heavenly Father, or maybe I'm really asking myself, "What is the source of all this pain I feel?"  I have everything to be grateful for.  Everything.  But I still feel this gnawing pain for something I can't escape and can't identify.  I feel my mind slipping over a certain emotional place every time I try to pin-point it.  It's hard to describe.  There's something there making me sad and someday I'll figure out what it is. A tear slips out of the corner of my eye, so slowly that it dries before it falls to the pillow.  I mentally scan through all the place
Read more