My truth about "pretty"

Is this a pretty picture of me?  Should I put it on facebook?  Someone might see it and then know that sometimes I'm not as pretty as I am in other pictures.  I know I'm just not as objectively attractive as some no matter how flattering the picture.  But does this one qualify as 'pretty' to someone who has never seen me before?  

Do I trust someone who doesn't know me to see that I am brave because this picture is hiding none of my flaws?  The wrinkles around my eyes, the dark shadows under them, my wider nose, my puffy cheeks that hide my cheekbones. That's the honest way I look.   Why is this hard?

 I think who I am is beautiful and what I look like cannot be separated from who I am.  I was hiking, I was in the mountains, I was awe-struck by the beauty around me, I was totally happy.  It makes me sorrowful to reflect on how much I worry about if I look pretty.

Every girls wants to be told they are pretty, right?

No.  I thought yes, until I was told this.  

"I honestly have never before thought of you, Sarah, in the context of "pretty." Joyful, yes, and talented, and sincere, and bearing sweet family resemblances to your parents and your siblings, and loyal, and gentle. I cannot think of your physical being in an aesthetically superficial way because it is tied so much to your spirit."

Then I realized that is what I want to be told.  It IS nice to be told that I'm beautiful, but my desire to be truly seen and known is so much deeper and stronger than my desire to be admired.  This is how I want to be seen by my husband, my family, my friends, my coworkers, people I meet on the street.  This is how I commit to try to see them.

This highest of compliments was given to me by very dear friend of mine who I know knows me in a rare and true way.  I treasure what she said more than I have ever treasured any compliment or commentary about the way that I look.  

When I read it I felt like something inside of me that had been carefully caged up finally was set loose because it had words!

That is how the truest me sees people.  I have always gravitated toward those who also saw people that way.  I wanted their influence, I wanted to be beautiful in the way they are; their entire being is beautiful.  Not pretty.  Only in my worst moments have I wanted to be pretty.  What I really want to be true to and what I really see in others is more than being "beautiful inside and out" because there isn't a difference between the inside and the outside.

I feel like I have betrayed myself in learning to see people in an aesthetically superficial way, and perhaps even focusing on it.  And focusing on wanting to be seen that way.  It is SO tempting because it is SO ubiquitous.  I wish I could spread freedom from seeing ourselves and others an aesthetically superficial way because I completely believe it is an illusion that does much more evil than good.  This is one of the biggest frustrations of my life.

Dear everyone in the world,

I cannot think of your physical being in an aesthetically superficial way because it is tied so much to your spirit!

P.S. If you don't mind, could you leave a comment either here on on facebook since I know that's where most of you come from?  It can be just like "42" or "I'm Sammy."  I don't really care.  There are between 70 and 120 people who read my blog, I have no idea who most of you are, and I'm very curious...thanks! :)