An Examination of The Friend Zone


What I feel like writing about today has certainly not been the most important thing on my mind, but this idea has been brewing in there for years.  It is the mythical "Friend Zone".  I have lived in a place with such a strong and unique dating culture for so long I don't know what is widely known and what is thought only in little corner of the world.   So in case this ISN'T a world wide thing and some of you haven't heard about it, I will explain.

First, a disclaimer
These thoughts are only what have I have discovered to be true about myself.  I suspect they are true of others but of course, I don't know.   Also there might be many different meanings of 'friend zone'.  I'm going to explain the meaning I have a problem with, but I'm sure there are others that are fine.

The idea that creates the friend zone is this:  Once you have established a friendship with someone it is hard to change it to a romantic type committed relationship because friendships are inherently hard to change.  This should discourage you from looking within your friends for love because, it's so hard to change friendships that it's not worth the trouble.

The nice thing about this myth is that it's gentle way to tell someone you're not interested in dating them.  I think that's why it has survived despite it being preposterous.  It blames no one, gives no reason, and yet leaves little room for hope for the future which is essentially the exact message you usually want to send when trying to end a situation where you're not interested in things moving along but the other person is.

Though it is gentle it's also frustrating because it sends the message that somewhere a mistake was made and leaves you with a lingering...what if?  When you FIRST met it COULD have been romantic had you not tried to be friends first, but alas, now it is too late!  What is cannot be undone and maybe in an alternate universe things could have been different...

I'm going to go out on a limb say that's probably not true in most cases.

Now.  Maybe it is hard to find love among people you are already friends with.  But I think the reason for that is because you were just never interested in them romantically and yes, that is hard to change.  It bugs me to blame the type of the relationship for it being static.  Can we call a spade a spade?

When I have found myself tempted use the friend zone to explain my waning interest in someone, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it because it's just not true!  If someone became just a friend because they were not someone I was interested in developing any other kind of relationship with, that usually doesn't change, but NOT because friendships are unchangeable.  And actually it does change sometimes.  I think the chances of it becoming romantic are HIGHER if we are friends first.

Three reasons why I believe the friend zone (at least the way I have heard it used) is a myth:

1. The opposite of what the friend zone idea would predict HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!  How many times have you heard of the story of two people falling in love who start out as friends?  It has happened to me.  It has happened to lots of people I know.  And you know what else?  When it happened to me it was so easy it was almost accidental.

2. I have lots of friends who I think I would have no trouble developing romantic feelings for.  I have lots of friends who I doubt that could ever happen with.  The fact that we're friends in itself doesn't change the potential of the relationship.

3. If the friend zone idea was true you would think that you should avoid making friends with people you are interested in dating because the friendship might ruin it.  I have found this not true for me.  Not being friends with someone does not seem to increase the chances of my having romantic feelings for them.

Now to admit my own bias:  My parents always told us "I married my best friend."  So that is the idea I have always had for who I would love.  So in addition to this myth being annoying because it is false it also seems to make my favorite way of falling in love impossible.

I don't want to beat a dead horse, I just want to reiterate my point one more time.  It's not that it's possible to develop feelings for any one of your friends of the opposite sex at any time.  It's not.  But that's probably not because you're already friends with them.  The "friend zone" doesn't exist in the way it is generally thought of.  Maybe there is a "Friend Zone" that means "You are not a person who I am interested in being romantic with" but let's not blame that on the fact that we're already friends.

Did I misunderstand what is meant by 'the friend zone'?

So if you're thinking of using the blameless 'friend zone' reason you might be being gentle...but you also might be kind of lying.  So just check yourself and see what's true.  Then avoid spreading around untrue ideas because it's already hard enough, you know?

I sat outside to write this for 45 minutes (see opening picture) and got this sweet tan line on my forearm!  Thanks for those nice tanning genes mom and dad.  Remind me not to wear long sleeves rolled up on sunny days.

And that's not a bruise, it's a scar from a burn from an oven.  But thanks for asking, I get that all the time :)

P.S. I am totally in favor of being gentle when you're letting someone down, I just think you should be truthful and gentle.  I think believing untruths lead us to behavior that is inconsistent with the way things really are.  This holds us back.

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