Scared, grateful, and hair
This weekend I have been pondering how so much of my behavior is driven by fear. I have found other reasons to explain and justify it but ultimately I think I'm just afraid. The list of my primary fears looks like a pretty standard list I would say. It still shocked me to admit this to myself because I thought I did not have these fears in me, or that I had already rooted them out. Upon further investigation I found that they actually control many aspects of my life.
1. I'm afraid that other people will think that I am not valuable, or not as valuable as someone else.
This explains why I can be kind of a know it all, and why I sometimes find myself withdrawing from groups where I am not a focus of attention in some way. I think I have fed and nurtured this fear and let it grow wild in the past few years.
2. I'm afraid of not having control in relationships that could be hurtful
I always thought I was mostly "avoidant" in relationships...but in thinking about it this weekend I think I'm not trying to avoid relationships themselves (because good relationships are the best and I want them badly), but rather the anxiety that comes with non-permanent attachment. It can feel overwhelming, and sometimes I don't like who I am when I feel fearful of an impending break in an attachment. Lately I have found that only the most non-threatening acquaintances can lure me into real friendship. And I only seek out companionship from the most non-threatening long-term friends. I don't think I used to be like this. I think this fear has also grown, which makes sense.
3. I'm afraid people that I care about will leave me or forget me.
Something I have noticed about myself in the past year or so is that I will borrow things from people who I am afraid are going to slip out of my life. It seems like every time I go to return something I borrowed I end up finding something else of theirs that I need and have no other way to get. I haven't ever consciously done that, it's just a pattern that I have noticed is reoccurring.
I have always been kind of a fearful person, but why are these fears growing so much at this time in my life, I wonder.
Ok this is the grateful part:
1. It's soooo sunny today! I'm sitting in the sun on my neighbor's porch and it's just perfect.
2. I got a new sleeping bag last week, it's a down Marmot Angelfire 25. I may or may not have slept in it every night since I got it...and I may or may not be sitting on it outside right now. I have bought quite a bit of gear since I got a job, and this sleeping bag is my favorite.
3. I had the opportunity to sing in a choir for a special church meeting today. Church meeting choirs are usually fun...and sometimes decent. This one actually sounded and felt like a higher level of music, which I miss being a part of. I'm grateful I had the chance to jump on board, learn more about singing, and hopefully let others hear and feel something meaningful.
Ok, someone asked how I did my hair like in the last post. It really wasn't anything special, and everyone probably already knows this but it was kind of fun to take pictures of anyway to explain :)
So it starts out like this. French braid your hair on both side starting right at your part and keeping the braid close to your hairline so it doesn't look all poofy and weird when you take it out (as I have definitely experienced). Then braid it together at the base of your neck, I did it to one side.
I did my hair like this when it was wet because I was late for work and I couldn't think of anything else...I have been braiding my hair for a long long time so this took me less than 5 minutes (WAY shorter than blowdrying)...but it might be a more challenging for someone who's just learning.
1. I'm afraid that other people will think that I am not valuable, or not as valuable as someone else.
This explains why I can be kind of a know it all, and why I sometimes find myself withdrawing from groups where I am not a focus of attention in some way. I think I have fed and nurtured this fear and let it grow wild in the past few years.
2. I'm afraid of not having control in relationships that could be hurtful
I always thought I was mostly "avoidant" in relationships...but in thinking about it this weekend I think I'm not trying to avoid relationships themselves (because good relationships are the best and I want them badly), but rather the anxiety that comes with non-permanent attachment. It can feel overwhelming, and sometimes I don't like who I am when I feel fearful of an impending break in an attachment. Lately I have found that only the most non-threatening acquaintances can lure me into real friendship. And I only seek out companionship from the most non-threatening long-term friends. I don't think I used to be like this. I think this fear has also grown, which makes sense.
3. I'm afraid people that I care about will leave me or forget me.
Something I have noticed about myself in the past year or so is that I will borrow things from people who I am afraid are going to slip out of my life. It seems like every time I go to return something I borrowed I end up finding something else of theirs that I need and have no other way to get. I haven't ever consciously done that, it's just a pattern that I have noticed is reoccurring.
I have always been kind of a fearful person, but why are these fears growing so much at this time in my life, I wonder.
Ok this is the grateful part:
1. It's soooo sunny today! I'm sitting in the sun on my neighbor's porch and it's just perfect.
2. I got a new sleeping bag last week, it's a down Marmot Angelfire 25. I may or may not have slept in it every night since I got it...and I may or may not be sitting on it outside right now. I have bought quite a bit of gear since I got a job, and this sleeping bag is my favorite.
3. I had the opportunity to sing in a choir for a special church meeting today. Church meeting choirs are usually fun...and sometimes decent. This one actually sounded and felt like a higher level of music, which I miss being a part of. I'm grateful I had the chance to jump on board, learn more about singing, and hopefully let others hear and feel something meaningful.
Ok, someone asked how I did my hair like in the last post. It really wasn't anything special, and everyone probably already knows this but it was kind of fun to take pictures of anyway to explain :)
So it starts out like this. French braid your hair on both side starting right at your part and keeping the braid close to your hairline so it doesn't look all poofy and weird when you take it out (as I have definitely experienced). Then braid it together at the base of your neck, I did it to one side.
I did my hair like this when it was wet because I was late for work and I couldn't think of anything else...I have been braiding my hair for a long long time so this took me less than 5 minutes (WAY shorter than blowdrying)...but it might be a more challenging for someone who's just learning.
At night time you might look like this if you went running. Don't worry though, just go to sleep and the magic will happen in the morning.
In the morning you take it out of the braids (keep accidentally writing brains) and voila! I was so surprised the first time it did this because usually when I take my hair out of braids it does not look like something I would take a picture of and let other people see...
Like I said, this is probably not news for anyone, but I thought I'd explain since people were wondering!
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