a tall personality

Recently I had an interesting conversation about what it means to be 'tough'.  My friend used 'tough' in passing to describe someone who is physically strong, a valid use of the word I believe.  I said that to me it means being able to endure hard things.  I think the hardest things seem to have little to do with physical strength. He asked "Do you think it's important to be your kind of tough?" YES.  When I searched for the value of being tough in my mind I found it high on the loftiest pedestal with other virtues I especially revere like honesty, intelligence, purity, and humility.  I think being tough belongs in their realm. "Do you think you're tough?" I think he saw me stifle an involuntary smile, as I was trying to cling to the shreds of humility I possess...because he smiled too and said, "Oh yeah you do!" This got me thinking... Yep.  I think I am darn. tough.  Or I can be.  It's one of the things that ma...

What I feel like writing about today has certainly not been the most important thing on my mind, but this idea has been brewing in there for years.  It is the mythical "Friend Zone".  I have lived in a place with such a strong and unique dating culture for so long I don't know what is widely known and what is thought only in little corner of the world.   So in case this ISN'T a world wide thing and some of you haven't heard about it, I will explain. First, a disclaimer These thoughts are only what have I have discovered to be true about myself.  I suspect they are true of others but of course, I don't know.   Also there might be many different meanings of 'friend zone'.  I'm going to explain the meaning I have a problem with, but I'm sure there are others that are fine. The idea that creates the friend zone is this:  Once you have established a friendship with someone it is hard to change it to a romantic type committed relationship bec...

Started off bad.  Well, actually it started off really good.  Around my birthday last year I met the person who is now one of my best friends.  We were friends…and then I kind of fell in love and he kind of didn’t.  That part was really lame…as were the following 6 months of willing myself to fall out of love... But there were actually  quite a few bright spots in those months, like the time me and Lil saw wild horses, or the time I went skiing in Montana with Casey, or the time I went backpacking and rappelling with Lillian, and the million times Mandi and Joscelyn, Tahlia, and so many others called to make sure I was ok, and the million times Robby and I practiced frisbee in the middle of the night-- I call it frisbee therapy. And I learned lots and lots of things.  This (below) is one of them.  I became a world class expert at doing this, and now I'm trying to undo all that focused training.  And you know what?  It's starting to work. ...

I have been re-reading my mission journal lately.  For most of it I was focused on what was happening in the moment, but I did capture a few gems when I zoomed out on life and gave myself advice for the future.  Last night I happened upon one of those and I want to share it. Sarah's guide to future decision making: 1. Don't decide until you are humble 2. Ponder while listening to music that brings you to Christ 3. Get control of thoughts and prayers 4. Repent first 5. Go with your gut feeling 6. Carefully choose the time of day to ask  7. Do not let fear dictate 8. Don't worry too much about decisions between good and good 9. Be completely honest with yourself as far as true desires and motivations Also, this is how I use the internet these days, that's right, on the train, which I ride JUST to use the internet. Cheap pass from work that doubles as internet and train pass rather than expensive internet at home :)  Awesome. Also, Leona Lewis still h...

Is this a pretty picture of me?  Should I put it on facebook?  Someone might see it and then know that sometimes I'm not as pretty as I am in other pictures.  I know I'm just not as objectively attractive as some no matter how flattering the picture.  But does this one qualify as 'pretty' to someone who has never seen me before?   Do I trust someone who doesn't know me to see that I am brave because this picture is hiding none of my flaws?  The wrinkles around my eyes, the dark shadows under them, my wider nose, my puffy cheeks that hide my cheekbones. That's the honest way I look.   Why is this hard?  I think who I am is beautiful and what I look like cannot be separated from who I am.  I was hiking, I was in the mountains, I was awe-struck by the beauty around me, I was totally happy.  It makes me sorrowful to reflect on how much I worry about if I look pretty. Every girls wants to be told they are pretty, right? No....

Every summer I find a new "thing" that my summer ends up revolving around.  This summer it has been frisbee.  Finally it came back to bite me and I "separated my shoulder" by running into someone.  I'm actually not exactly sure what that means, all I know is that my shoulders look quite different now (see exhibit A below, the shoulder on the left is the hurt one) and that it hurts A LOT. I have been trying not to do anything that would re-injure my shoulder so I have been reading, going for walks, visiting friends, etc.  I even went out in a thunderstorm just for some adventure. Provo pre-thunder storm Provo post thunder storm But then I got bored.  And I watched A River Runs Through It.  And I started aching for mountains and rivers and fresh air and maybe a little bit of danger!  So when my friend called to see if I wanted to go mountain biking with him, I said yes and took some pain killers. At least when I make bad dec...

I love this picture of me and my dad.  I was home from college for the summer and he flew me and my sister to Montague Island to walk on the beach and it was BEAUTIFUL!  If I remember right this picture was taken while we were hurrying back to the plane so that we could make it over the island through that little pocket of blue sky you can see.  Flying through clouds doesn't really scare my dad, but it scares me! I don't believe we have ever talked about it, but I think my dad's love language is quality time.  He has always been good at inviting me to spend one on one time with him, whether it was going with him to a job site, flying, fishing, biking, helping build the airplane, or helping with a project around the house.  He has never been pushy about it so when I was a moody teenager I never felt forced or smothered, but I always knew I was welcome to go hang out with my dad.  I still feel that way when I'm around him. Dad has never been a flashy...

This is me and my Mom.  People often recognize her as my mom before I introduce her, they say we look alike.  I'm always flattered when people say that because my mom is a completely beautiful person inside and out. I don't know where to start in talking about my mom.  Everyone who knows her knows what I mean.  She is hard to put into words.  I've never met a person like her. There are the classic stories about her The time she dressed up like Santa Claus and went walking around town spreading Christmas cheer The time she spontaneously took a truckload of groceries to a friend having a rough time The time she drove by herself with three little kids to Minnesota How we  had a signed a contract outlining the rules of the house How she is so smart is it not even funny How she has spent TONS of hours volunteering in the community The time she (and my dad of course) raised three children into balanced, principled, happy adults who love ...

1. This is written on one of the walls of my new apartment.  My roommate and I agreed it needs to go. "Love makes all things easy"...said no one ever. 2. Has anyone else noticed that with few exceptions like southern California people say, " It's _______ (insert name of basically any place in the world), if you don't like the weather wait 5 minutes!"  Every time someone says that to me I have to resist the urge to tell them that's what people also say in Alaska, and Utah, and Montana, and Virginia, and Europe, and Canada, and basically everywhere. 3. I've had a few weeks off of work and school, so every day feels like Saturday!  Which is not as fun as it sounds, actually.  About three days into this permanent weekend thing I was ready to be done with it.  Either that or I was ready for all my friends to also be on summer vacation so that they can play with me.  Playing by myself is ok but definitely not as fun, however it has given me time ...

The last music therapy session was all about how I'm sad and disappointed and stuff sometimes.  Wow, I feel like lack of school is already having a negative effect on my writing.  That last sentence.  Wow. Maybe that's my style now? Anyway, here are some songs that almost never fail to make me smile and usually succeed at making me dance. Mika- Lollipop Oh My Gosh.  I am so sorry about the possibly slightly distasteful parts of this video but it is just too funny not to post.  I had to watch the part at 1:28 twice because it was so funny!  Wait, I just watched it again after I wrote that so that's three times.  HOLY COW I have not seen something this funny on youtube since the Harvard Sailing Team "Boys will be girls" skit.  This is one of those things I'll be embarrassed to have recommended to the more sophisticated people who read my blog who won't think it's funny.  But it really is funny. About the song, I just ...

I graduated officially.  It was actually pretty overwhelming and sad and I don't really want to write about yet, but my whole family came to visit and that was AWESOME! So instead of writing about graduation I'm gonna do some music therapy!  For myself I mean, like this is my music therapy. I usually don't listen to the songs people put up on their blogs, so I don't really expect people to listen to mine, I just wanted to share that they're cool and why. There are a lot of stupid songs about life and relationships but these are some that I think actually have great lyrics (or at least great lines) and they mean something to me personally. First and newest: Pink- Just Give Me a Reason. Some of the lyrics of this song are really corny but the chorus is fantastic. "Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough, just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again. It's in the stars It's been written on the scar...

Sometimes I paint pretty things. And sometimes I paint things that aren't that pretty but are a good idea, like this one.  The words, in case you can't read them say "Oh God our help in ages past, our hope for years to come, our shelter from the stormy blast, and our eternal home. Under the shadow of thy throne, still may we dwell secure, sufficient is thine are alone, and our defense is sure." I just love that song so much I felt to paint it one day.  And today I found the picture of it on my phone. Also, here are a couple of thoughts: 1. Today I took my last final.  Ever (maybe).  At least for the foreseeable future.  I first celebrated by talking with my favorite professor and classmate about Batman, of course.  I'm definitely going to miss stuff like that.  Then I went to my favorite spot by the Lake, practiced my favorite game with one of my favorite friends at my favorite park, then another game I like and one more friend I like...

Today I was re-reading my  notes from the last General Conference (something I always intend to do but rarely actually do.  I think this means I have had a lot of free time on my hands, like A LOT.  Free-time is just about the most uncomfortable thing in the world to me).  As I was reading them I kept thinking to myself WHAT?  Did you really write this 3 weeks ago and already forget it?!  Some of the things I had written down were direct, clear, and obvious answers to the questions I have been asking myself. A lot of them are about connecting with people. I thrive on connection, but it is something I have been feeling a sharp and painful loss of lately so it was on my mind as I listened to my church's leaders a few weeks ago.  It has been on my mind a lot since as well.   I felt to share some of them. "Call down the powers of Heaven to help you connect.  You have made covenants with him, you keep them and he will help you." "Use nat...

As part of a substance abuse treatment class this semester I gave up eating all sweets for three and a half months.  It was supposed to help us understand addiction, relapse, cravings, and all those things that are hard to really get without experiencing them.   We had to write a final paper about our experience, and I want to share some parts of mine because I know many many people (myself included) with difficult habits that could be called addictions that they would like...or desperately want...to stop, but struggle.   I know giving up sugary food seems like a trivial thing but it was a powerful experience for me.  Here are some of my most valuable insights: As a side note, since in class we were comparing our experience to that of drug users, when I say "use" I mean consuming sugary foods. "W hen I relapsed it wasn't the food that I wanted. I just wanted to not worry about abstinence for a little while.  The relief of letting m...

This is just so beautiful I couldn't help but include it!  I have a huge crush on Utah right now. I originally intended to make a montage post of all of the drafts I have written in the past few months...but it was just so depressing that I thought...better not. Then I thought I'll just write about each month in one sentence! Still depressing... So this is what I've got for catch-up, not that I owe it to anyone, but once I thought of this analogy I kind of wanted to use it. I've kind of felt like I was in that part in the movie 127 Hours when Aaron Rawlston has to cut off his arm with a blunt knife.  At one point his arm was detached beyond all hope, all he had left to do was sever the nerves.  Though they served no purpose anymore cutting them was still shockingly painful.  But once he did he hiked out with one less arm and one INCREDIBLE experience. Comparing my life to someone who had to amputate his arm to save his life from a canyon deathtrap is dr...

I heard a story once of a father who bought his son a helium balloon.  They played a game where the son would let the balloon float up and hit the ceiling.  The father being the hero retrieved it for him. Even though the father got tired of playing sometimes, the joy it brought his son kept him coming back to be superman.  Later in the day the father and son were outside.  The son insisted on bringing his balloon, and of course, he let it go fully expecting his dad to bring it back for him just like every other time.  When the boy realized that his father wasn't bringing the balloon back, he started frantically pointing at it and shouting so his father would know it was time to play the game.  As they watched the balloon soar out of reach the son screamed as if his protests would somehow convince his father to save his balloon.  He looked at him in shock.  The one who was supposed to protect him from pain and disappointment wasn't ev...