a tall personality

Is this a pretty picture of me?  Should I put it on facebook?  Someone might see it and then know that sometimes I'm not as pretty as I am in other pictures.  I know I'm just not as objectively attractive as some no matter how flattering the picture.  But does this one qualify as 'pretty' to someone who has never seen me before?   Do I trust someone who doesn't know me to see that I am brave because this picture is hiding none of my flaws?  The wrinkles around my eyes, the dark shadows under them, my wider nose, my puffy cheeks that hide my cheekbones. That's the honest way I look.   Why is this hard?  I think who I am is beautiful and what I look like cannot be separated from who I am.  I was hiking, I was in the mountains, I was awe-struck by the beauty around me, I was totally happy.  It makes me sorrowful to reflect on how much I worry about if I look pretty. Every girls wants to be told they are pretty, right? No....

Every summer I find a new "thing" that my summer ends up revolving around.  This summer it has been frisbee.  Finally it came back to bite me and I "separated my shoulder" by running into someone.  I'm actually not exactly sure what that means, all I know is that my shoulders look quite different now (see exhibit A below, the shoulder on the left is the hurt one) and that it hurts A LOT. I have been trying not to do anything that would re-injure my shoulder so I have been reading, going for walks, visiting friends, etc.  I even went out in a thunderstorm just for some adventure. Provo pre-thunder storm Provo post thunder storm But then I got bored.  And I watched A River Runs Through It.  And I started aching for mountains and rivers and fresh air and maybe a little bit of danger!  So when my friend called to see if I wanted to go mountain biking with him, I said yes and took some pain killers. At least when I make bad dec...

I love this picture of me and my dad.  I was home from college for the summer and he flew me and my sister to Montague Island to walk on the beach and it was BEAUTIFUL!  If I remember right this picture was taken while we were hurrying back to the plane so that we could make it over the island through that little pocket of blue sky you can see.  Flying through clouds doesn't really scare my dad, but it scares me! I don't believe we have ever talked about it, but I think my dad's love language is quality time.  He has always been good at inviting me to spend one on one time with him, whether it was going with him to a job site, flying, fishing, biking, helping build the airplane, or helping with a project around the house.  He has never been pushy about it so when I was a moody teenager I never felt forced or smothered, but I always knew I was welcome to go hang out with my dad.  I still feel that way when I'm around him. Dad has never been a flashy...

This is me and my Mom.  People often recognize her as my mom before I introduce her, they say we look alike.  I'm always flattered when people say that because my mom is a completely beautiful person inside and out. I don't know where to start in talking about my mom.  Everyone who knows her knows what I mean.  She is hard to put into words.  I've never met a person like her. There are the classic stories about her The time she dressed up like Santa Claus and went walking around town spreading Christmas cheer The time she spontaneously took a truckload of groceries to a friend having a rough time The time she drove by herself with three little kids to Minnesota How we  had a signed a contract outlining the rules of the house How she is so smart is it not even funny How she has spent TONS of hours volunteering in the community The time she (and my dad of course) raised three children into balanced, principled, happy adults who love ...

1. This is written on one of the walls of my new apartment.  My roommate and I agreed it needs to go. "Love makes all things easy"...said no one ever. 2. Has anyone else noticed that with few exceptions like southern California people say, " It's _______ (insert name of basically any place in the world), if you don't like the weather wait 5 minutes!"  Every time someone says that to me I have to resist the urge to tell them that's what people also say in Alaska, and Utah, and Montana, and Virginia, and Europe, and Canada, and basically everywhere. 3. I've had a few weeks off of work and school, so every day feels like Saturday!  Which is not as fun as it sounds, actually.  About three days into this permanent weekend thing I was ready to be done with it.  Either that or I was ready for all my friends to also be on summer vacation so that they can play with me.  Playing by myself is ok but definitely not as fun, however it has given me time ...

The last music therapy session was all about how I'm sad and disappointed and stuff sometimes.  Wow, I feel like lack of school is already having a negative effect on my writing.  That last sentence.  Wow. Maybe that's my style now? Anyway, here are some songs that almost never fail to make me smile and usually succeed at making me dance. Mika- Lollipop Oh My Gosh.  I am so sorry about the possibly slightly distasteful parts of this video but it is just too funny not to post.  I had to watch the part at 1:28 twice because it was so funny!  Wait, I just watched it again after I wrote that so that's three times.  HOLY COW I have not seen something this funny on youtube since the Harvard Sailing Team "Boys will be girls" skit.  This is one of those things I'll be embarrassed to have recommended to the more sophisticated people who read my blog who won't think it's funny.  But it really is funny. About the song, I just ...

I graduated officially.  It was actually pretty overwhelming and sad and I don't really want to write about yet, but my whole family came to visit and that was AWESOME! So instead of writing about graduation I'm gonna do some music therapy!  For myself I mean, like this is my music therapy. I usually don't listen to the songs people put up on their blogs, so I don't really expect people to listen to mine, I just wanted to share that they're cool and why. There are a lot of stupid songs about life and relationships but these are some that I think actually have great lyrics (or at least great lines) and they mean something to me personally. First and newest: Pink- Just Give Me a Reason. Some of the lyrics of this song are really corny but the chorus is fantastic. "Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough, just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again. It's in the stars It's been written on the scar...

Sometimes I paint pretty things. And sometimes I paint things that aren't that pretty but are a good idea, like this one.  The words, in case you can't read them say "Oh God our help in ages past, our hope for years to come, our shelter from the stormy blast, and our eternal home. Under the shadow of thy throne, still may we dwell secure, sufficient is thine are alone, and our defense is sure." I just love that song so much I felt to paint it one day.  And today I found the picture of it on my phone. Also, here are a couple of thoughts: 1. Today I took my last final.  Ever (maybe).  At least for the foreseeable future.  I first celebrated by talking with my favorite professor and classmate about Batman, of course.  I'm definitely going to miss stuff like that.  Then I went to my favorite spot by the Lake, practiced my favorite game with one of my favorite friends at my favorite park, then another game I like and one more friend I like...

Today I was re-reading my  notes from the last General Conference (something I always intend to do but rarely actually do.  I think this means I have had a lot of free time on my hands, like A LOT.  Free-time is just about the most uncomfortable thing in the world to me).  As I was reading them I kept thinking to myself WHAT?  Did you really write this 3 weeks ago and already forget it?!  Some of the things I had written down were direct, clear, and obvious answers to the questions I have been asking myself. A lot of them are about connecting with people. I thrive on connection, but it is something I have been feeling a sharp and painful loss of lately so it was on my mind as I listened to my church's leaders a few weeks ago.  It has been on my mind a lot since as well.   I felt to share some of them. "Call down the powers of Heaven to help you connect.  You have made covenants with him, you keep them and he will help you." "Use nat...

As part of a substance abuse treatment class this semester I gave up eating all sweets for three and a half months.  It was supposed to help us understand addiction, relapse, cravings, and all those things that are hard to really get without experiencing them.   We had to write a final paper about our experience, and I want to share some parts of mine because I know many many people (myself included) with difficult habits that could be called addictions that they would like...or desperately want...to stop, but struggle.   I know giving up sugary food seems like a trivial thing but it was a powerful experience for me.  Here are some of my most valuable insights: As a side note, since in class we were comparing our experience to that of drug users, when I say "use" I mean consuming sugary foods. "W hen I relapsed it wasn't the food that I wanted. I just wanted to not worry about abstinence for a little while.  The relief of letting m...

This is just so beautiful I couldn't help but include it!  I have a huge crush on Utah right now. I originally intended to make a montage post of all of the drafts I have written in the past few months...but it was just so depressing that I thought...better not. Then I thought I'll just write about each month in one sentence! Still depressing... So this is what I've got for catch-up, not that I owe it to anyone, but once I thought of this analogy I kind of wanted to use it. I've kind of felt like I was in that part in the movie 127 Hours when Aaron Rawlston has to cut off his arm with a blunt knife.  At one point his arm was detached beyond all hope, all he had left to do was sever the nerves.  Though they served no purpose anymore cutting them was still shockingly painful.  But once he did he hiked out with one less arm and one INCREDIBLE experience. Comparing my life to someone who had to amputate his arm to save his life from a canyon deathtrap is dr...

I heard a story once of a father who bought his son a helium balloon.  They played a game where the son would let the balloon float up and hit the ceiling.  The father being the hero retrieved it for him. Even though the father got tired of playing sometimes, the joy it brought his son kept him coming back to be superman.  Later in the day the father and son were outside.  The son insisted on bringing his balloon, and of course, he let it go fully expecting his dad to bring it back for him just like every other time.  When the boy realized that his father wasn't bringing the balloon back, he started frantically pointing at it and shouting so his father would know it was time to play the game.  As they watched the balloon soar out of reach the son screamed as if his protests would somehow convince his father to save his balloon.  He looked at him in shock.  The one who was supposed to protect him from pain and disappointment wasn't ev...

The past few weeks have been kind of hard.  This girl trying to save her sand castle is kind of how I feel. So I've been kind of sad.  But sometimes losing things that don't come back can be like joyful in the same way losing things that do come back is.  When you think you've lost your phone you are devastated, especially when it's a phone you really liked.  Maybe it's new, maybe it was expensive, maybe it had precious information and pictures that you know you'll never be able to duplicate.  When you find it again you are OVERJOYED, and feeling the depth of the loss makes it all the more joyful.  You go around that day so glad that you didn't lose your phone...even though there are countless other days on which you didn't lose your phone. I have been sad, but also overwhelmingly grateful for all the things I DIDN'T lose.  I've probably cried as much out of gratitude as I have out of frustration and disappointment.  My room ma...

I have been feeling heartachy lately.  It might be the time of year...or month.  I miss my friends who have who have moved, moved on, moved away, moved in a different direction... I have so much homework that starting it feels overwhelming, so instead I drew this picture.   I've been experimenting with new ways to cope with emotions.  It's a professional investigation, but it sure has helped me a lot personally.  I'm starting to understand how emotionally driven my behavior is, and how to channel my feelings into positive actions that actually work to change or relieve the emotion, and not just to numb it.  Sometimes numbing feels so good, but as Brene Brown said, we can't selectively numb.  If you numb, you numb the good and the bad.  Numbing isn't a way out. The only way out is through.

I'm 26 now, ta-da! Before I forget, you might like to read my birthday post from last year, it's probably my favorite post I've ever written. http://princesstje.blogspot.com/2011/08/happy-rebirthday-to-me.html I've been thinking for months about what to say about my 26th year, literally.  I have little stars all over my journal to remind myself to include certain things, it's awesome. A year ago I wrote about all the things I wanted to do while I was 25.  It's kind of funny to re-read,  a lot of those things didn't happen, more wonderful things happened instead. First we have the 'I started' group I started to paint For my brother For my dad For my friend Katie I decided this year instead of sending gifts to loved ones for special occasions (birthday, fathers day, wedding) I would paint them pictures!  These three are my favorites, they all remind me of the person they're for so they're extra special. I start...

Meet Hailey, she's my baby niece!  This girl LOVES to look at herself in the mirror.  I guess she knows beauty when she sees it. Did you know a baby could be this adorable?  Am I biased? This is Hailey's favorite thing to do, and one of my favorite things to do too! Me and Annie gave her a bath and her hair stood straight up like this.  It's funny how when things like this happen to other people's babies you're like "aw cute."  And when it's yours (or your niece) you're like "That is the most amazing thing EVER!  We have to take pictures!" Sitting up at night holding Hailey so my sister can finally get a little bit of sleep has given me some time to think.  I love holding her.  I love to imagine the adventures we're going to have when she's older.  I'm going to help her parents teach her that the world is beautiful, and people are too, and if you know God loves you, you can do a lot of things.  She will a...

This is Mandi, she is my classiest friend, and possibly the classiest person alive.  Let me tell you some thing she has taught me about being classy. When I asked Mandi what IS being classy, this is what she said,  "Being classy means being kind to everyone."   I was expecting something like, "you have to dress this way, and act this way, and do such and such kinds of things," but I like Mandi's answer so much more. Mandi and I have been friends now for several years.  She is the girl I call if something needs to get done and done right.  She's the one I call when I need a movie and some deep conversation.  She's who I call when I need someone to tell it to me straight. Mandi is the one who hugs everyone she sees every time she sees them, and gives spontaneous back rubs, and invites you over for AMAZING meals and never expects a thing in return. This week I had the chance to have 2 really special experiences with Mandi that showed two ...